Saturday, 30 June 2018

I Miss You.

The first anniversary of your death is fast approaching & I find myself unable to stop thinking about you. I am feeling all sorts of different emotions.
To some people, probably a lot, you were 'just a cat' but I don't care, to me, you were & always will be, my best friend & my baby boy.

You came & crawled into bed with me on the days I was stuck in bed poorly, feeling down or not particularly like myself, & you were always there for a snuggle! You would pop your head around my bedroom door, meow at me & jump onto the bed, you'd give me a small & gentle head bonk as if to say "hey mum its okay, i'm here now!" & then you would lay yourself out next to me on the bed, so that you were stretched out enough that you were comfortable, but also still close enough to me so that I was able to lay y hand out & rest it on your body, stroking your fur, whilst listening to your gentle purr as you closed your eyes & slept next to me.

I treasure those memories the most. because it was in those moments that I felt better, I knew that you were always there for me, & it made me feel happy.

Everything is so different now you're gone, I have this void in my heart, this empty hole that aches every single day. Almost 11 months have gone by since you left me, & on days like today, I still cry thinking about you & how much I miss you. I try so so hard not to think about what happened & how did it happen? because I just drive myself insane! the truth is, I wasn't there in your final moments, I wasn't there when you needed me, & I will never know what happened to you, & what's more, I will never forgive myself for not knowing something had happened to you.

Sometimes I lie in my bed on a night & I try to work out what might of happened, did someone hit you on purpose, or where you being silly in the road like you have so many times before? only this time your luck ran out, because you were hit by a car & left to die in the road. I have to believe that your death was fast & painless, or I end up going down the road of "where you in pain & did you feel anything?!" all I know is, that whoever hit you, just kept on driving! nobody even moved you out of the road. that is until my friends found you hours later. I couldn't even have a final goodbye cuddle with you, which still tears me apart, because your body had already started to stiffen, so all I could bring myself to do, was sit down next to you & stroke your furr, like I had so many times before, but the moment I did, it hit me that you were gone! Your body was like an ice cube, you weren't soft & warm anymore like our previous treasured cuddles, you were ridged, cold & hard! Your body was just a shell, my beautiful baby boy wasn't in that broken body, you had gone & I was left behind to cope without you. 

You helped e get through so much in the 5 years that I was blessed with you. This some people might not understand, but the day I brought you home, you became my second child & you grew up with Joel, who was a baby himself when you came to live with us. I really don't know how I have managed it, but somehow I have gotten through these last 11 months.

The first few weeks passed in a blur. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat & I just felt so lost without you. I didn't know what to do with myself, so to make myself feel a little better & get through the grief best I could after Neil had taken your body to the vets for cremation, I began building your memory corner, where your casket of ashes & photos now proudly sit so that you're always close to me.

I bought a tin to put all your trinkets in. your sympathy cards I had received from my friends that found you, the cards I received from the vets after your passing, & the little card that came in your box with your ashes from the people who had cremated you, but most of all, I have a little pot with your fur in. Some people think that's sad, & have laughed at me when I have told them, but to me it really helped to have these things. 

I bought frames to put some of our favorite photos of you in, then I bought a little cat wind-chime & other little treasures, such as a personalized candle & little ornaments with your name & a loving verse engraved on them. I basically did what any human does to get through grief & I don't care what others think of me, I love your little corner & I hope you are proud of it? I put you in that corner on the kitchen window because that was your favorite spot to sit & sunbathe, so now you are always sunbathing, which seems so perfect for you.

I still miss you so much Jack Sparrow, & I just want you to know that I will never ever forget you. I know that you're waiting for me & I can't wait to have a snuggle with you again, but until then, be happy wherever you are, fun free & have lots of fun!

I love you with every beat of my heart, & I will see you again! sleep well my gorgeous boy.

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