Having children & living with Depression.

When I was growing up I always said; "i'm never going to get depressed" but little did I know at the time, that nobody chooses to suffer with depression, depression chooses them. 

I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 19 years old. I had just moved to Leeds (UK) to live with my Fiance, & for a few weeks my moods had been serverely low, I was snapping at everyone for the slightest things & I couldnt get the nasty thoughts out of my head that were drowning my brain. It wasn't until Neil's family witnessed one of my outbursts, (all because Neil opened a packet of my crisps without asking) I then had a long chat with my sister in law, I explained the best I could to her how I was feeling & she told me to go to the doctors, & it is since that moment that I have been fighting this battle. 

I am now almost 28 years old, & over the years I have had a lot of ups & downs, I have suffered with Post Natal Depression twice, the first time being a lot worse than the second. I didn't know or understand what was going on with me, I thought I was supposed to feel happy & overjoyed that I had just had a beautiful little boy, but I didn't. I just felt dread. I spent 8 months suffering because I didn't have the guts to walk into the doctors & admit that I wasn't coping, but after travelling home to see family & having one of my "episodes" on my sister, my mum sent me packing back to Leeds & demanded I went to the doctors, so I did, & after speaking with the doctor & him scoring me a 19 on a questionaire I was placed on a high dose of medication for PND, & ever since then I have been learning to live with my condition whilst bringing up my two children! I do however feel like I have improved over the past 2 years, but it has taken me a heck of a long time to get to where I am. I have been on medication since 2010 now, & in 2012 I hit a really bad patch, so I was also referred for councilling too. I didnt think it was working back then, but now I see that it really has.

I have only been a Mummy of two for 8 months, & I know in my heart that compared to a few years ago I deal with things a heck of a lot better now. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days were depression tries to take over, but i'm lucky, because I have my husband by my side & I also have his amazingly family to support me. along with my health visitor & my friends. I really didnt think I was going to cope when I was pregnant in 2014.. I was so anxious & nervous, but I know now that I am a great mum to both of my children & that if I carry on this battle, depression will never defeat me. 

Diary post #62.

Dear Diary.. 

This time last year I had hit a rocky road in my life. I was an utter mess & I never thought the day would come were I could actually say that I am finally in a place were I can feel happy & contented once again, but I am here!! I have arrived. Life is fucking amazing! <3

I am slowly learning & seeing who is there for me & who isnt, & those who aren't I am cutting all ties with & letting go, for good! onwards & upwards baby! I only need & I only want positive people in my life, no miserable bastards bringing me down! I see this now... It took long enough. Positive thoughts bring positive feelings & ultimately make you happy! & in all honesty, being happy is all I want. 

Depression/Anxiety & Panic attacks are a shit deal. I still sometimes have days were I think I can't cope anymore, but never again will I succumb to it & let it take over my life like I did last year. I have my two beautiful babies to think about, to love & to protect. They need me more than ANYONE! 

Diary Post #58 *Slowly beating Depression*

Dear Diary.. 

As 2013 comes to a close I truly believe that I have begun to beat my depression. I have an amazing hobby that tends to take up alot of my time, so I am not sat "dwelling" & "Stewing" on things that cannot be fixed. To some it might seem stupid & pointless that I collect & breed tropical fish, but to me it is something that I really enjoy! Some people enjoy crafting, some people enjoying writing etc, but I really enjoy my fish. They have brought me through so much over the past 6 months! Just sitting & watching them swim round in their own little world is relaxing. I started with my fish obsession in June, just after my depression hit an all time low, I began to push people away & I did treat a few rather horribly. so I decided to put all my positive energy into something that I would really enjoy. At first I just bought a couple of Goldfish as pets, but then the obsession began when I saw a neighbors tank & they had tropical fish. I now have 6-8 different types of tropical fish in my 4 foot community tank. 

Don't get me wrong I am still working on my Anxiety & I still have days when I think "the world is ending" but it never lasts too long. After six months of concentrating on my hobby & of course seeing my councillor, I began to feel more like myself, so I began the process of building bridges with as many people as I could that I had hurt or pushed away. This also had a massive affect on me & I began to feel even better about myself for putting things right. 

I don't hold grudges & I never have. I see things as, if you can resolve a problem with one or two people & you are both willing to put the past to bed & start again, then why not? because I have already begun to realize that, if you hold onto the past, you are hurting nobody but yourself. 

So as we go into the fresh new year of 2014, I am also going to start with a fresh new mind & a new way of thinking... 

* Do not dwell on what cannot be fixed.
* Positive thoughts create a positive mind. 
* Surround yourself with those who want to help lift you up & not bring you down. 

So, with that, I hope everybody had a fantastic NYE tomorrow & I wish you all the very best for 2014. 
Stay positive guys & always remember, Depression isn't wekaness, nor is it anything to be ashamed of. Depression is a sign of strength because it mieans no matter how weak your mind might be to you, your heart is still strong enough to feel. 

Hold your head up high & always be proud of who you are. :)

Diary Post #57!! *The good & the not so good of 2013*

Dear Diary..

For the past week now I have been thinking about all the good & the not so good about this year so far. I saw another one of my friends do a similar post & so that I didn't look as though I was "copying" I asked her if it was okay for me to do something along the same lines. :)

This year has been quite a roller coaster for me so in this post I would like to talk about the highs & the lows of 2013 for me. 

*) At the beginning of the year I was suffering quite bad with my depression & anxiety, so bad that I pushed a load of people away, mostly really good friends. So around May time I actually referred myself to a councilor for some additional support. Not that I wasn't getting that at home, but I really found that talking to somebody who wasn't emotionally involved in my life, really helped me to get out all of my frustrations, anger & things that I couldn't really tell my family & friends in fear of them judging me. I continued to see my councilor for 12 sessions, which all together was 3 months, alot longer than what other people would get. After my counselling sessions I felt alot more confident, which helped me to pull myself back together & start to be myself again! I then decided to get back in touch with those i'd hurt (pushed away) & try to build as many bridges as I could. 

**) This year we celebrated it being 2 years since Joel had major lung surgery to remove the bottom lobe of his right lung, which is were his CCAM was. For us this is an amazing achievement because if I am honest, when Joel was born, we didn't even think he would be here to celebrate his first birthday, never mind his third birthday & being 2 years post op! it truly was an amazing & rather emotional time for us all. 

***) After 14 & half months of trying I found out in November that I am expecting our second child. This was a huge shock as we'd been trying for a rather long time, with everybody around me falling pregnant & it just not happening for us! At the end of October I was sent for scans by my doctor to see if I was suffering with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) a week after my scans, I was searching in my kitchen draw for a pen & I came across a pregnancy test, I was 12 days late but didn't really think anything of it, as my "cycles" had been that way for the past 6 months, but seen as the test was there I thought "why not" & did it anyways. When I saw that positive I don't think I have cried so much in my life! At the time Neil wasn't home. So when he did eventually get back home & he asked if I was okay I just blurted it out straight away "yes i'm fine, infact i'm great.... i'm pregnant" the huge smile that emerged on his face was totally priceless! together we were both just staring at the test in amazement. Of course I had to be 100% sure so I did a second, a third & then a fourth ;) I am now 12 weeks pregnant, I have had my dating scan & everything is well with baby & I am due 10th July 2014.
  
***) Just before Christmas a friend of mine got in touch. We hadn't fell out as such, we just lost touch because she was dating a guy that ended up coming between us, & well she couldn't see what a total manipulating vile person he was (& that's putting it nicely) so I just walked away & told her that I couldn't keep in touch with her as he was being rather violent towards me, sending threatening text & to be honest, scaring the life out of me, so for 12 months we didn't speak. Thankfully she eventually saw the light & chucked him to curb. Since she got in touch again we have met up twice & if I am honest with myself, it has been amazing to have my friend back. I met her when I was attending my post natal depression groups last year & it was through them that our friendship grew, so to have her back in my life is great because she is possibly the only person who understands my "feelings" & how bad I can sometimes be. We completely bounce off each other & get each other through our bad days. Of course I had friends that didn't agree with me getting back in touch with her, they actually made me "choose" between them & her, so I basically don't speak to this other person much anymore because I don't see how she is a good friend? because a good friend would never make you choose. they'd just support you no matter what but she didn't & I'm not a person who would choose between my friends because i'm not that petty. 


I have had a pretty mental year if I am honest & I cannot actually wait to kiss 2013 goodbye. I am going to definitely make 2014 a better year if it kills me! I am starting Slimming World in January to help me with "healthier options" throughout my pregnancy & to hopefully help me to lose a few lbs! I have an amazing family & some beautiful supportive friends at my side, so next year is basically going to be the best, a new year, a new baby & a new me! 

Diary Post #56!! *The past 12 months...*

Dear Diary.

This past 12 months has been a very hard & difficult year for me but I crawled my way through the darkness, only lead by my beating heart. I didn't know if this nightmare of a journey would ever end & I didn't know where to start but I managed to find myself, once I realized that I was lost, even though I wasn't sure I knew my way. Some people told me to "pull myself together" others told me I was bitter & cold, I didn't know how to handle myself so I just let myself sink. I've had days that I never thought I would get through & I suffered extreme suicide thoughts, but thanks to the help & support of my amazing husband & my councilor Mary, I somehow got through the dark days & began the process of finding myself again. 

I realize now that when I was going through what I was, some people just didn't want or didn't know how to deal with me & my depression, so to save themselves they dropped me & cut all ties. At the time this didn't help, I thought the entire world was against me, & every word that came out of their mouths felt like I was being attacked, but now, I realize that they  were just trying to protect themselves. So now I have to live with the fact that my "potty mouth" hurt people & what's worse, I don't even remember half of the stuff I shot at them because I was so hell bent on hurting people as much as I was hurting I didn't think before I spoke. For that I feel ashamed & disgusted with myself.  

Now, almost 12 months later I feel like a complete different person, I am finally feeling happy again, something I never thought I would feel ever again. I know I hurt people & I pushed so many away with my heartless words, but now that I am "me" again, I am trying my best to apologize, put my wrongs right & build bridges were I can, because, & I know it's not much of an excuse, but I was a total mess, I wasn't me, that person I became wasn't me.

I just hope that one day people can forgive me & understand that I am not the cold hearted, disgusted person that I turned into. I have so much to look forward to. I have a beautiful son, an amazing husband, & our beautiful second baby on the way... plenty of reasons to fight my depression & keep it from beating me once again! I know one thing is for sure, I don't plan on sinking that low in my life ever again.

Diary Post #30 *Pain! & update on Joel's Summer Cold/Hay fever*

Dear Diary.. 

Today I have woke up with agonizing back pain :( I am not sure where it has come from but hells bells does it hurt.. I didn't even manage to take my son to nursery this afternoon, my hubs had to do it, whilst I was laid up on the sofa playing the DS! I did however manage a trip out to TGI Friday's with my hubs & his parents for some lunch, but as much as the food was amazing, I didn't seem to enjoy it as much as usual because I wasn't comfortable! The whole time I had shooting pains in my back & was constantly fidgeting in my seat because I couldn't get comfy! I was so relieved once we got home, I crashed out on the sofa for 30 minutes & the hubs gave me a massage, which for the whole of 20 minutes did relieve the pain, but when it came to collecting my son from Nursery, I was walking down the streets like a damn hunchback.. if you had seen me you'd of thought i'd of had an accident in my pants, it was so painful to walk, so as I write this post I am currently sat in bed propped up with pillows & pain killers on my bed stand... I am so hoping that tomorrow I feel a little better, as I need to take my son to the doctors & have cough checked.. as I told you all yesterday (or was it the day before?) He gotten himself a Summer cold & maybe even hay fever? but when I collected him from nursery today his key worker told me that he'd done nothing but cough & choke all day so I really want to get that checked out as he's sounding very chesty now. 

I am hoping that tomorrow is a better day for the both of us because in all truthfulness  my mood has been crap today, i've been feeling so low & wanting to cry on & off all day :( but I need to try & keep smiling. 

Thank you for reading, until next time guys, keep smiling & I shall too! 
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Diary Post #22 *Wacky Week*

Dear Diary, 

So I think that it is safe to say that this week has been quite a roller-coaster for me... 

Monday: My mum visited Kendal Hospital in Cumbria (UK) to have a Anginogram on her heart. This is were they make an incision in her groin & feed a tube up through her main artery & into her heart & then feed dye through the tube! Needless to say I was on pins about that, but thankfully everything went well & she is now back home recovering, but because I was so nervous about it, it affected my mood & me & my hubs ending up having a massive argument, resulting in me screaming & shouting to release the build-up!  :( 
Then if that wasn't bad enough my hubs decided to take a walk to the shops so that I could clear my head & be alone for a while, but on his way there he noticed a black & white cat in the road.. I then received a phone call from him asking if our Cat Jack was home, he wasn't, to which I then completely panicked & freaked out thinking the worse.. so after gettin my neighbor to come over & sit in my house, I had to go & identify the body of the black & white cat.. thank goodness it wasn't Jack, I was so relieved that passers must of thought it was my cat becuase I totally broke down, I was honestly preparing myself to see my cat dead in the road. After I had pulled myself together, I then picked up the poor kitty & laid him in the hedge out of harms way, somebody who lived round that area told us that they would call someone & deal with the kitty, so there was nothing more for us to do other then go home. 

Tuesday: I woke up & I just couldn't get that poor kitty out of my head (I still can't) I took my son to nursery & then met my hubs for lunch at the cafe over the road from were the kitty was hit the night before & when I reach the cafe & subconsciously looked over to were I had placed the kitty I was gob-smacked at what I saw... if seeing a kitty knocked down & killed the night before was haunting enough, the poor thing was still laid were I left it after somebody had said they would sort it. so I couldn't help mysef, after I had my Lunch with my hubs, I did my good deed for the day, & took the poor kitty down to the vet in a cardboard box to see if they could maybe check if he had a microchip & maybe a family out there somewhere lookin for him? The fact that he was covered up & then just left by the roadside completely brok my heart :( 
When I was putting the kitty into the box ready for taking him to the vets, I spoke to the women that covered the cat up, (she came out of her house when she saw me) & she said that she didn't know what else to do & then she said i'm braver than her for dealin with it. So out of anger, I said to her "what would you rather if it was YOUR cat? For it to be left dead in the roadside or taken to a vet where they can give him the last bit of dignity & respect that he deserves!" Then I closed the box & walked off... I was so angry!
Fair enough there is no law saying that you can't leave a cat in the roadside if it is killed, but that doesn't mean you SHOULD!!! well, at least now my conscience was clear..

Wednesday: Again I woke up thinking of the poor kitty, so I called up the vet that I had taken him & the very nice veterinary nurse told me that the kitty was a boy cat, (estimated age, 2-3) but unfortunately he didn't have a chip in place so there is nothing that they can do about tracing his family. He will now stay at the vets in their mortuary for the next week & if nobody comes forward he'll just go for cremation. The veterinary nurse thanked me for having the heart to take the poor kitty in to them, she even said herself, the driver of the car that hit him shouldn't of just left him! 

I am now really hoping that if the kitty does have a family, they come forward & get to say their goodbyes before he goes for cremation. 

Thursday: I had a much needed talk with my mother in law & I now feel better knowing that I did the right thing for that kitty, I honestly think that if I was as ignorant as others, then he'd still be laid dead in that hedge today... 4 days after being killed. Me & my hubs have gotten over my "blow out" on Monday... who'd of thought the death of a cat that wasn't even ours would bring us together again?

Friday: Today, asides from suffering with Tummy Cramps & being unable to keep awake I am feeling much better in myself. I don't know but maybe I needed that blow out on Monday? maybe it's a good thing to get things off your chest now & then? Either way, I know that I have a strong & supportive family & bunch of friends behind me that will come to my rescue whenever I need them. 

Diary Entry #20 + A-Z Challenege, G is for Grief! *Bit of a Rant*

I used to be best friends with a lass that I met on one of my post natal depression courses last year, we really clicked & at one point we was inseparable! we did everything together & was practically with each other everyday & then one night in October last year we decided to go on a night out (she was single) & she met this bloke & they hit it off! I then began to see less & less of her & at first it didn't bother me because when we did meet up we had a good time, but then I began to notice that whenever we did met, we'd never got ANY time just us & our boys because he was like this little puppy wrapped around her legs 24-7! he had to be everywhere that she was!
To cut a long story short he slowly but surely made it clear that he didn't like me! & he started being really vulgar towards me, I could only take so much & in the end I told my mate that if he was going to carry on being so horrid towards me & wasnt going to have words, I couldn't be her friend anymore, her reply.... "that's your decision" then a few weeks later, he text me asking for some pjs that my mate had left at mine of her son's the last time she was here & because I told him she can collect them herself, he went all mental on me & threatened to call child protection on me & have my son taken from my care & then he threatened to come to my house & "sort me out" this of course scared the crap out of me & I changed my number.
I haven't heard anything from either of them since March/April time after changin my number & I have began to get on with my life but then yesterday I received a message from her on facebook asking if I wanted to go to her son's birthday party today.... IS SHE FOR FUCKING REAL? I have of course replied to her message as nice as possible & declined the invite (my hubby doesnt want our son anywhere near her fella & neither do I) but has she bothered to reply whatsoever since sending her message? has she bollocks, she just barges back into my life & dumps somethin like that on me & then ignores ALL my messages. i'm fucking fuming right now in all fairness & feel like I have taken 5 steps forward & 20 steps back.. 

I am sorry for the negativity on this one guys.

Diary Entry #11 NO MORE DUMMIES! :D

Dear Diary.. 

Well today I would like to start with YEY! :) my son has now officially been off his dummies for 3 weeks!! goodbye dummies  I shall not miss thee! The best part is, he did it all on his own & I am so proud. 

I am not one of these mothers that has to rush their child into doing something just because other kids their age are doing it, for example; my son is nearly 3 & is not in the slightest bit ready for being potty training, yes he will sit on the potty when you ask him too, but he won't always do something on it, (unless he is bribed with sweeties ofcourse) but am I worried or bothered in the slightest? NO! because I see things as, he will do it all in his own time, exactly like he did with giving up his dummies! why take them off him & stress him out just to please yourself, because you're sure as hell not pleasing your child! 

Joel giving up his dummies just kinda happened - literally. I was getting him ready for bed one night & I asked him to go & get himself a dummy from the freezer, so he trotted off to the freezer, opened it, took one look at the dummies then closed the freezer door & said "no dummy no" & that was that, he hasn't been to bed with a dummy since! even when he came down with a sickness bug & I actually thought he might have wanted one then but he didn't.

So as a reward for being that one step closer to becoming a "big boy" me & my husband treat Joel today, we took him to the toy shop & let him pick something new! £50 later, we walked out of the store with a Thomas the tank engine playset which he has been totally glued to since we got home! Needless to say once bedtime rolled round we then we had to endure a little tantrum but we told him thomas would be waiting for him when he woke up in the morning & the tears soon subsided. 

All in all today has been a lovely day, I do love spending the weekend with my boys it cheers me right up! :) Mood this evening, happy, relaxed & positive. 

Diary entry #10 Emotional Roller coaster.

Dear Diary.

Today I have woken up feeling so many emotions that I don't know what to do with myself. My first thought is to crawl back into bed & hide under my duvet for the rest of the day, but of course I cannot do that because I have my son to look after, so instead I have to deal with these emotions, & work my way through them one by one in my head.. trying to figure out why it is that I am feeling this way. 

The only conclusion that I can come up with is that on Wednesday I came away from my session with Mary feeling fairly happy & I had decided that I was going to aim for Wednesday 22 May (next week) to be my last counselling session with Mary, at the time I was happy with this decision but as the days have gone on I have began to sway, I know that I do eventually need to give it up, & the past few weeks I haven't really had anything in-particular to talk about & that is why I came to the decision that maybe I am ready to stop the sessions? but then for the past day or two I have started to over-think it & now the thought of not having the session there anymore actually scares me! :s 

I also think I may have hit the nail on the head with my "needy" issues. I get far to attached to things, like the counselling, I have gotten to used to having someone there that I can always talk too, somebody who is not involved in my life emotionally & them being somebody I can trust & feel comfortable around. & if I stop these sessions that person will disappear. 


I think it is safe to say, today is a bad day. :(

Some people need to realize that not EVERYTHING is about them.

Getting a few things off my chest:

I'm actually really insulted that some stuck up little teenager (that I used to class as a very good friend until I saw what a two faced little snob she was) is spitting her dumy out & pasting it all over her Facebook & blog that i'm copying all her ideas! :s she needs to get herself a reality check. BIG TIME because that's the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. 

The one & ONLY reason this person has her blog is because I began sharing my updates on my Facebook, (I have been blogging since October last year when my depression got really bad I used my blog as a diary for somewhere to go & write down my feelings) & I can only think that she saw these updates of mine & decided to create a blog of her own, which hey I could handle i'm not the only person to have ever created a blog & I was actually quite interested to see what her blog was all about. but then for some reason she started private messaging me on Facebook & accusing me of cloning her blog, apparently your not allowed to write on your own blog & post the same time she has because that makes you a copycat. :s anyways I shrugged it off & ignored her & I proceeded to create my own Blog Page for my Facebook were I could promote my blog & spread awareness to help other people with depression.. I set my page up in March, then low & behold her "vlogging & depression awareness" page appeared exactly one month after i'd set mine uo & she started messaging me asking how I jazzed my blog up because he was plain & boring so being the nice person that I am I told her, I didn't for one second think she'd go & copy me... 

so really I just want to put the record straight here, I haven't set up my blog & facebook page to "copy" anybody - (you can tell she's only 17, she's proper immature! I mean what sort of person calls you a copycat? that's the sort of term i'd of used in junior school.) My blog is all my OWN experiences, thoughts & feelings, I spend all my spare time putting my whole heart & sole into my blog & I do not appreciate some little child accusing all my hard work to be hers! This person is so competitive it's unreal, all she cares about is getting "likes" for her page whereas I don't, I appreciate the likes but its not my main focus, all my work on my page & the words that I use come from my heart, she just copies & pastes quotes from Google, very unique :/ 
My Blog & my Facebook page is all about ME & how I cope with MY depression, after-all how on earth can a person experiences somebody else' life? that's just utterly stupid & major jealousy talking on her part.

Then because I messaged her & told her a few home truths & told her to get a grip & stop LYING & leave me alone, I had people messaging me tellin me to stop bullying her.. doing her dirty work I guess! this girl being a person who apparently "sticks up for herself" LOL. 

I always knew she was abit up her own arse but jesus, she's so full of herself, she thinks because she suffers with abit of depression she can set up a Facebook page & save the world. her page truly insults me because it's like she taking the piss out of people who suffer depression.. "coe to me & i'll cure you" WTF?!! all I can say is for somebody who does suffer depression she's very open about everything, personally, I think she just milks everything for all it's worth, see how much attention she can accumulate because clearly she constantly craves it. 
Nobody cares about her moving house or what she feeds her child, its all just a ploy for a attention & its very immature & sad, if she was a proper adult she wouldn't be spreading the lies she has about me & she'd just get on with her life without having to involve other people.
all I can say to her is, let me see it e said again that i'm "copying her" & I will then show her what a REAL copycat is... STUPID LITTLE GIRL. 

Depression isn't weakness.

#NeverBeAshamedToBeDepressed. 

So I really need to get this off my chest.. 

I was chatting with somebody on my Facebook Page last-night all about depression & even now I actually cannot believe what she came out with, she said & I "quote" - "Depression isn't real, it is just people being Human, you label yourself as depressed out of reaction from the medication that you take, if you are on any that is!" was this women actually for real?

I was diagnosed with Depression when I was 19 years old, & when I was 22 I slipped into Post Natal Depression when my now nearly 3 year old son was just a few months old.. I didn't know at the time & I was so low that I was having suicidal thoughts. It took me until my son was 8 months old for me to get the courage & go see my doctor, because like most young mums that suffer with Depression, I automatically assumed I would be branded a bad mother & my son would be taken from my care.. If it wasn't for my family standing behind me & my husband coming to the appointment with me i'm not actually sure if i'd of gone & if things had carried on the way they were going, I actually dread to think that I might of actually succumbed to all the suicidal thoughts that were going around in my head. 

It has taken me a very long time to get to where I am today & it is all thanks to my family & close friends. I know that I am better now that what I was back then, but I still know that i'm not 100%, one day I do hope to be able to come off my medication & deal with my issues alone without having to see a counciller but until then I don't think that ANYBODY has the right to criticize your mental state. 

if you have never suffered with depression yourself then it is hard to understand, but any normal person knows that if you do know somebody that is depressed you never ask them why, depression isn't a straight forward response to a bad situation, depression is, just like the weather. 

You should always try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness & loneliness that some people go through, even if you find it hard, be there for them when they come through the other side. It is hard to be friends with somebody who is depressed, but as I know myself, it is one of the kindest, noblest & best things anybody could ever do for you when your in your time of need. 

Depression, Anxiety & Panic attacks are not "all in the head" or "a sign of weakness" they are a sign of having remained strong for far to long. 1 in 3 people will go through Depression at one point in their life, & it is nice to know that you are surrounded by people that care & will be there for you & most of all, that you are not alone. 

STRONG PEOPLE DON'T PUT OTHERS DOWN, THEY HELP TO LIFT THEM UP! 

Taking that Leap...

Today I woke up feeling lower than low. I didn't want to get out of bed & I didn't have any energy, nor did I want to do anything, I just wanted to just lie there & feel sorry for myself. 

Then for some reason my counciller's voice (Mary) popped into my head, & she was tellin me what she had told me at my session a few weeks back, "you've got to take that leap or you will be waiting all day for your motivation to kick in, & sometimes it might never come, so you've just got to jump straight from low mood to action" so I then managed to kick myself up the backside & drag myself out of bed.. Once I did that everything else just followed, I made my son's breakfast, cleaned the livingroom & kitchen, then my son wanted to get dressed & go & play outside in the garden, so I got him & myself dressed & plodded out into the garden. at first I jut sat on one of the garden chairs watching Joel play with his sand, then he wanted me to join in, so I  did & I have to admit I had great fun. Altogether, me & Joel spent 2 hours in the garden today having lots of fun together & this evening I feel great for it & my low mood has faded. This may sound ridiculous to some, but I know I can always count on my son to help lift my terrible low moods! He makes my days worth living. :) 

Killing the Cabin Fever.

Yesterday was the first time in around 4 & half weeks that I left the house with my son & went into town on my own!! :) i'm actually really proud of myself, I was nearly hyperventilating on the bus going into town but soon as we got off the bus & I started walking, my anxiety seem to settle. I had to go into town as I was going for an eye test. When I saw the optician he told me that he'd gotten the results from the consultant I had seen for Glaucoma & he was pleased to tell me that there wasn't any signs of Glaucoma in either of my eyes! :) but he did tell me that I have an Astigmatism in both my eyes, basically when i'm concentrating, tired etc the Astigmatism causes my eyeballs to wobble & blurs my vision.. I do have days were my vision is better than others but the optician told me that my vision won't ever be 100% I have now been prescribed with a stronger lense & should be able to collect my new specs any day after Wednesday! 

After we had finished in the opticians I took my son for a walk around town, I let him get out of his pram & explore - burn some energy. He found the pigeons most exciting, especially when they'd fly away, he'd squeal with excitement & shout "ohh didgeon" :') We spend around 2 hours in town & needless to say when I got home I felt great. Proper proud of myself for going out, usually I would of cancelled my eye appointment & rearranged it so that I didnt have to go out but instead I fought the anxiety & did what needed to be done.

A Tough Few Days.

Rambles!

As most of you know I ended my friendship with my best Friend Natasha Cooper a few weeks back because her fiance Daniel Teal had become increasingly abusive with his words towards me after I asked them both if they would sponsor me for my head shave that I am doing to raise money for a children's cancer charity. After I ended the friendship I didn't hear anything from either of them so I assumed that was that. Then on Sunday evening (31.3.13) Daniel texted me about some items of clothing of Natasha's little boy's that she had left here, (ages ago I may add) he told me that I should gather them together & return them! when I refused he went mental on me, he threatened to call social services on me & he called me a bad mother among other things. so as you can imagine with me suffering depression & not being able to handle such abuse I had totally had enough & it was my poor husband that had to deal with me all upset :( luckily a few calming down techniques that my counciller had gone through with me last time we saw each other really seemed to help, & not to mention alot of reassuring cuddles from my husband :) After I had calmed down & pulled myself together my husband encouraged me to call up my mobile phone network & have my number changed, which is what I have now done. I have to be honest with myself here, as much as I am now feeling relieved that I no longer have to endure Daniel abusing me with his words I have also been feeling very paranoid, simply because the lovely person that Daniel is, he threatened to come over to my house & "sort me out face to face" of course he hasn't because he's all talk & no action but the thought still really scares me. 
Neil has been amazing, he is amazing i'm so lucky to have him. he took today (Wednesday) & tomorrow off work so that he could stay home with me & our two year old son, but on Friday he will need to go back & I can't help lettin my anxiety get to me a little when I think that Daniel could turn up at my house when Neil isnt here! but then I have to keep tellin myself that he wont, but having a grown man threaten you the way he has threatened me actually makes me sit & wonder what Natasha actually sees in him & why on this earth she would trust him ALONE with her son?!! All I can think is that she has obviously never witnessed this side of him yet... All my life I have had to deal with men like him? he's not even a man, he's a monster! & Natasha knows this! Part of me doesn't seem to think they will last much longer than a year, a rushed relationship never does. but good luck to them whilst it does. 
Natasha is alot more of a stronger person than myself, & part of me would like to think that if he ever started treatin her the way he treat me then she would chuck him out on his pathetic little benefit sponging arse for good. One can only hope I guess. 
I love Natasha & Bailey asif they were my own family & I treat them that way too, then she goes & chucks me into the gutter for him?!! mind boggling. I can only say that if he ever laid a finger on either Natasha or Bailey's head, because I could put money on it that he's capable,  I would not be responsible for my actions. He scares me so much that he makes me want to hurt him severely & permanently. :s 

Seeing Mary.

This evening I saw Mary my counciller & I think I can actually say that i'm finally beginning to feel comfortable around her, which for me is a good thing because when I feel comfortable around somebody I tend to open up more & right now, that is what I need to be doing. This evening we spoke about my anxiety & how to improve my efforts on getting myself out of the house more. 

She gave me some sheets with exercises on to help with breathing which can help prevent my anxiety getting so high, she talked me through them & we tried a few out :) needless to sat by the end of the session I was feeling alot more comfortable with myself & how things were going with her! I sit now & think I can't believe that I nearly gave the sessions up just because I was feeling anxious about going! I'm just glad that she text me, & didn't give up. because of her constant harassment (in a very good way) I got the balls & returned to the sessions. 

Next week I wont be seeing her because it's Easter & she has a week off but that then gives me a whole week & half to work on my exercises & go through what I want to talk about with her next time we meet. I think I can defiantly say these sessions are helping, i'm actually beginning to feel abit more like myself & i'm not just sat stewing in my own self petty. (still a long way to go but it's a start)

Life is good at the moment & I hope it stays that way.. Thumbs up from me. 

Ramble.. I'm sorry in Advance

I actually want to cry. I sat here last-night & spent a good 10-15 minutes on a massive long blog post & then Google Chrome decided it wasn't going to post my my new blog post & instead it was going to delete the entire thing! :s 

These past few weeks have been rather tough on me & i'm now beginning to see the cracks. My husband has been home from work for nearly 4 & half weeks now suffering with anxiety attacks & low moods, so for him & Joel (my son) I've had to try & be the strong one, something i'm not always good at, & there is only so much I can take before I crack myself & have a total breakdown! On top of all this going on at home I recently lost my "Best Friend" Natasha because her Fiance Daniel has become a total womanizing immature prick. Call me insecure & selfish & even needy if you like but before he came on the scene, it was always me, Natasha & our little boys! we did almost everything together & our boys developed an amazing little friendship & now because of him i've had to end our friendship & our little boys have lost out on a lovely friendship due to no fault of their own, cheers Daniel!!! 
One night back in October I managed to get myself a rare child free night because Joel was off to sleep over at his aunties & Natasha also managed to aswell so we decided to hit Wakefield let our hair down & enjoy ourselves for just one night. I had a total blast with her, we drank, we danced & we had a great laugh, then around midnight we entered a club named Buzz & this is were we met Daniel & his friend Dave. Natasha & Daniel hit it off & me & Dave were left standing around looking like plonkers! I decided that I would be nice & add Daniel to my Facebook so that Natasha could find him the next day. The weeks passed & Daniel & Natasha became an item, & me & Natasha began to see less & less of each other, at first I was totally cool with it because after-all they were a new couple & they needed their space & Natasha had also reassured me that she would never ditch me for a guy! Then one night I asked Natasha if she could get rid of Daniel (basically see if he could arrange something with his mates so that we could have a girlie night, by this point they were practically living together & I hadn't seen Natasha in over a month so I didn't see anything wrong with asking this! Little did I know all hell was going to break loose, Daniel took what I said completely the wrong way & this is when I saw the real side of Daniel.. the true him! he was vile, disgusting & rude! but he reckons he was being truthful :s I put up with his snide rude comments for the sake of Natasha because she was my best friend & I just wanted to see her happy. From day one he'd never liked me & wanted me out of the picture so he could have Natasha all to himself, Me & Natasha were "married on Facebook & he even managed to take that away from me, asif taking my best friend wasn't enough?!!! then again, that's what control freaks do right? he wanted all her attention & he was willing to watch her lose friends so he could get it. another month passed & we eventually managed to make some time to meet up, I assumed it was just goin to be me & Natasha & the boys because Daniel was off signing on! how wrong was I.. He turned up at soft play & yet again demanded all her attention.. so it ended up us all having to leave soft play early because that's what he wanted & then when we were walking through town it was, him & Natasha walking side by side & me & Joel walking behind like we weren't even there! 

He's so competitive. He called me up one day to tell me Bailey had a bug & then started banging on about how just because Bailey goes to nursery 5 mornings a week (he started Feb 2013) that means he's been in nursery longer than Joel, even though Joel has been going to Nursery one afternoon a week since Feb 2012! where does he even come up with this shit? 

Anyways, last-week it all finally came to a head! I asked Natasha & Daniel if they would sponsor me for the Children's Cancer charity I am currently raising money for by shaving my head on 18th April 2013. I had text Daniel & Natasha at the same time then Daniel popped up on Facebook & I started chattin with him & he told me that they were skint & apparently Natasha's text didn't reach her until much later on that day & when I later logged onto Facebook I saw a proper bitchy status from Daniel accusing me of badgering & him tellin me to stop being super women & look after my son?!! He then proceeded to text & harass me & say that I was a bad mother, I don't pay any attention to my son & that the authorities should be called.. This coming from a 20 year old guy who has NO children of his own & has been helping bring up Natasha's son for 5 minutes, yet now he thinks he can slate me on my parenting skills?! He hasn't the first clue on parenting!!! 

So i'd had enough. I later text Natasha & told her everything that had happened & that I couldn't continue our friendship if Daniel was going to continue being so hostile towards me (putting it nicely) she text back the next day & said "I respect your decision" THAT'S IT!!! goes to show exactly how much my friendship meant to her then doesn't it?!! Thanks a bunch. 
I'm sick to death of meeting new people, trusting them, opening my heart to them & then they walk all over me! I start to think my life is going good & things are looking up & then something really shit happens & i'm knocked down all over again! & people wonder why I keep myself in doors & like to be alone! it's the best thing to do these days because you can't trust nobody!

Clearing my Head.

Today has been a really tough day for me, my mood has been up & down all day, so this evening whilst my husband took over child duties I decided to get out & have myself some "me time" this being of course, a ride out on my bike, why not kill two birds with one stone right? I might have even managed to knock off a few lbs too! :) firstly I had to nip over to my mother in laws to grab the bike pump because my tyres were rather flat, so once that was done off I went.. & along the way I decided to take some photo's of my favorite spots.. I hope you enjoy.

1.)

This place always reminds me of my mother in laws dog that passed away due to cancer in 2009! see them bushes behind the rocks? in the summer all you see is leaves & green, well Ami, (my mother in laws dog) she would dive in & out of them trees barking & being utterly insane! so when I pass here now, I always find myself thinking of our Ami up in doggie heaven. 

2.)

This little bridge right here, (not so little actually) has a lot of memories for me, mostly my first memories with my husband. (before he was my husband ofcourse) when I used to come up to visit on Weekends we would spend endless weekends walking to this bridge (especially in the Summer) we'd feed the thousands of ducks that gathered & just enjoy the view. I cant wait until this Summer so we can take our son down there to feed the ducks, or has he calls them (wack-wacks) 

3.)

This has got to be the most beautiful evening view I have ever seen, abit dark I will admit, but saying that it was going on for nearly 6pm! I just sat myself apon a rock drinking in the view & feeling so relaxed. I would totally say this has got to be my favorite spot of all, it was so peaceful & my head just felt so clear. it was truly lush.

4.) 

Now, last but not least, the best puddle I have ever seen! needless to say I turned into a complete child, put my legs up on my bike frame & let my bike just glide straight through the puddle haha!! I felt so carefree, but i'm also glad there wasn't any people around to see otherwise they may have thought I had gone insane! 

Thank you for reading my rather odd post :) 

Until next time Bloggers.............XXx

Getting out of the house.

Today we decided that we all needed to get out of the house, with the weather being so yuk we have been stuck in doors for just over a week, so today whilst the weather was fine we took a stroll up the track at the back of our house & then walked on down to the park..

Needless to say we all had lots of fun. Nothing beats a good bit of family time to kick the arse of a low mood. I do s love my little family :)