Y is for years gone by!!
My life has changed so much in the last 8 years, I have changed hugely as a person, sometimes I don't even think I am the same person anymore - which I guess can only be a good thing?!!
I have been fighting manic depression & anxiety since 2010 but in 2012, it got really bad I was for sure, at my worst, or so I thought.. I turned into this really horrible person! I was this really horrible version of myself, one that not even I liked half of the time! I let my demons get into my head & destroy me until I had nothing left... I had hit the self-destruct button & everyone had fled!
A few months past & when I felt like I had nothing left to lose, I made a huge decision out of nowhere & I decided that I would shave my head for childhood cancer. I sort of had this thought in my head that maybe helping someone who needs it would also help me in the process?! Shaving my head also felt like I would be washing away that bad person inside of me, but it was in those months running up to my charity event that I actually came to realize that I still had so many people behind me, & I still had so many people wanting me to get back on my feet & fight again! it was in that moment that I then realized, this wasn't about me anymore, this was about standing in solidarity & fighting with those that needed it more than me.
As well as raising hundreds of pounds for cancer, shaving my head also gave me the boost I was looking for, & it may also explain, now that i'm thinking about it, why when I feel so down I automatically want to get the clippers out & shave my head completely bald!! After the headshave I started counselling & after a good year of that alongside positive thinking, I managed to put my demons back in their box. Life was again back on track & I began building bridges with a number of friends & feeling good about myself again.
Then in 2015 when my shunts failed, life got hard especially when I was dealing with being poorly all the time, it all got just a little too much & those demons returned, only this time, they returned with a vengence! my mental health hit an all time low due to medications clashing & me suffering PTSD from all the surgeries (unbeknown to me then) "bitch me" returned & again more friends where lost, some that had given me a second chance the first time round too, & I was back to square one again.. with nobody!
But it seemed I wasn't quite as "down & out" as I thought.. because a few months later, along came Network Marketing! I am not going to lie, I had absolutely no idea what it was or how I would do it, but I decided to go for it anyways, & from 2015-2017 I dabbled in a few different companies, because well, it's like buying a new pair of shoes... they have to fit you perfectly, & be right for you. I went with Younique twice, then Jamberry then Acti-Labs, until I finally found Scentsy at the back end of 2017! & it wasn't until recently that I actually realized something....
Whilst I had been busy learning loads of POSITIVE things about network marketing, (minus a few hiccups) without realizing, I had actually helped myself conquer my demons!! I was so focused on making something of myself that I was no longer thinking about constantly pushing that self-destruct button anymore!
I know there are loads of people out there that will bad-mouth Network Marketing, but I truly believe that it saved me & made me a better version of myself that I never knew was inside of me. Almost 2 years on & I am the happiest I have ever been, I have once again rebuilt some friendships with those that wanted too, & I have even had a few people comment on how different I am now, which is really nice to hear.. it's much nicer hearing good stuff about yourself rather than bad! even my own husband has commented on how different I am now, which kind of made me feel a little bad when he first said it, but he put a nice spin on it & made it totally positive, so it actually wasn't bad hearing it in the end. I am not going to lie though, I still suffer with low moods & bad days.. & now more than ever, my bad days scare the hell out of me.. because I have worked so hard & come so far in the last 3-4 years alone, that I don't ever want to go back to being that person I was, ever again!
So, if you are by any chance reading this & I hurt you in the past, you're probably not & I don't blame you, but if you are reading this, then I just want to apologise from the bottom of my heart for being a GRADE A cunt to you.
I am not that Jharr anymore... she is long gone!
I like the new me & I plan on keeping her around for a very long time! she has friends, she is positive, she is happy & she has good things happening in her life, & that is by far, such a happier place to be!
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