A-Z Challenge - L is for Loss.

- L is for Loss.

Motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. it helped me to grow up & mature, it taught me who my real friends where from the fakes, & mostly. it taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

Shortly after we married, myself & Neil decided to start trying for a family, & after 9/10 months of negative pregnancy tests, I found out I was pregnant on 21st November 2009, it was an amazing moment, I remember taking the test when Neil was at work & getting excited when I saw those faint two lines. but unfortunately my pregnancy was only brief, as just one week after finding out, on 28th November 2009, I miscarried our first child at 7 weeks gestation.

Our little Peanut. Nov 2009.

After this, the next few weeks just kind of blurred, I went to the hospital for a scan so that they could check my miscarriage was a "complete miscarriage" (to ensure everything had come away) & then after that I just sort of slipped into a deep depression & spent the whole of Christmas in my own little world, disguising my "Christmas drinking" as merry drinking, when really, it was my way of blocking out my feelings. It was the worse 2 months of my life, I argued with Neil constantly & I am not going to lie, it very nearly split us up, & we had only been married for 6-7 months. but then something strange happened - in January 2010, I found out I was pregnant again, with Joel. just 8 weeks after having a miscarriage with Peanut. I will never forget that feeling of happiness but pure fear at the same time.. My pregnancy with Joel was a tough one, but that is for my "S" post. 

To my little peanut, I don't talk about you much, there isn't many people that actually know you existed because your life was so brief, but to me, you still had a life, even if it was just 1 week long, you still lived inside of me for 7 days whilst I planned out your future & I think about you everyday, even now. Sometimes I find myself wondering, did you send me Joel so that I could start the family I so desperately wanted? You should be coming up 10 years old this year, & I also sometimes think, if I hadn't of lost you, would we have Joel now? or, would you have been Joel? 

I have some amazing friends on Facebook, who have all lost children & its because of them that I got through those 2 months & I get through everyday now.. I am a proud mum of 3 children in reality, two in my arms on earth, & one in my heart in Heaven.