Diary Post #44. Ramble :)

Dear Diary.... 

I can't believe that I haven't blogged in a whole week, how very naughty of me! I have just had so much going on in my life, including the up coming event that is Joel's 3rd birthday (on Friday) I guess I also can't help feeling a little guilty too. My son & my friends daughter share the same birthday, only my friends daughter is in heaven. so every year I send her mummy a present from me & Joel & on their birthday we send a lantern up to heaven for Miley & light a candle for her, but I still can't help feeling horrible when we are celebrating our son's birthday & she is grieving for her daughter who should be here turning 4 years old & loving every second of being spoilt. :( sometimes life just isn't fair & if I could have one wish this week, it would be to have Miley here with her Mummy & newborn sister celebrating her 4th birthday like she should be. 

On top of this "guilt" I have also been feeling a little down this past week. I have been suffering with flashbacks & nightmares from my past & I haven't really told anybody about it because I guess I have just been trying to deal with it all myself, because after all, I don't understand why my past is still "bugging" me, so why would anybody else?  My councilor couldn't even work that one out. I did get in touch with my councilor a few weeks back & at the time she didn't have any "slots" that she could fit me into so i'm now just waiting on her to free some time up for me which kinda makes me feel like a bit of a burden! but heyho, these things must be done. 

I'm trying my best to stay positive & focus on the good things going on!
I really am. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx